Bad Poetry Celebrity Deathmatch

You thought Harry “Haystacks” Pinter was unbeatable, but now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Michael “The Bomber” Rosen.

[via Voslunga]

UPDATE: I thought I’d have a go myself. (Anyone is welcome to join in in the comments.)

War is bad
When Americans do it.
Blowing up civilians is understandable
As long as you’re really, really unhappy about something
Like poverty
Or democracy
Or women driving cars
Or homosexuals breathing
Or Jews existing.

Actually, it’s not as easy as it looks.

25 Comments

  1. Posted 24Jul05 at 14:04 | Permalink

    War is the worst thing
    Worse than the ritual torture of a nation’s people
    Worse than a mother being asked to choose which son to have murdered
    Worse than a mother being forced to watch that son gunned down
    Worse than a mother being asked to pay for the bullet that killed her son
    War is the worst thing
    If there is no war, then there is peace in the land
    War is the worst thing
    Apart from George W, Tony BLIAR, and Starbucks

  2. dearieme
    Posted 24Jul05 at 15:06 | Permalink

    If you go into other people’s countries
    and bomb them
    they will bomb you.
    And sometimes even if you don’t,
    They will bomb you.
    And perhaps instead Punjabis from Leeds
    will bomb you
    for the offence of letting them live
    in a country that is
    infinitely preferable to the homeland
    that their families left. Ironic, eh?

  3. Posted 24Jul05 at 16:33 | Permalink

    From Iraq

    We have no mouths
    We evaporated
    You don’t see the holes in the ground where we were put
    We are the unfound
    We are uncounted
    You don’t see the homes we made
    We’re not even the small print or the bit in brackets.
    You see less of us than you see of the dust
    You see less of us than you see of the wind
    Because we were somewhere else,
    because we lived far from you,
    because our minutes, hours, days and years did not last as long as yours,
    because you have cameras that point the other way,
    because you talk about other people…
    …Of that moment when we went
    you can’t even say you missed it.
    Nor did you talk about us when Saddam the Indefatigable killed us.
    Nor did you worry much about the Kurds then.
    Nor about Marsh Arabs.
    Nor do you now worry about all of those who voted.
    Nor about the Unions.
    Nor about the children, your friends whose friends have bombed us
    have bombed and will keep on bombing.

    Dear Neighbour

    If you go into other people’s countries
    and bomb them
    they will bomb you
    that is unless they live in Israel or India or Pakista
    or Kuwait or New York or in Turkey
    or in Egypt or Paris or Kashmir or etcetera,
    in which case they definitely should not bomb you.
    You can call them what you like
    You can tell us that our cause is noble
    You can tell us that they’re evil and we are good
    But the rule remains:
    If you go into other people’s countries
    and bomb them
    they will bomb you
    in fact anyone who has vaguely heard of them will bomb you,
    and not only you but your neighbours and their neighbours
    and any infidel fucker who stands in the way.

    You can tell us that you’ve flushed out the troublemakers
    You can tell us that you’ve neutralised the flashpoints
    You can tell us that you’ve sown the seeds of the future
    But the rule remains:
    If you go into other people’s countries
    and bomb them
    they will bomb you and be even more righteous in doing so,,
    and not only you but any infidel fucker who stands in their way.

  4. Posted 24Jul05 at 18:09 | Permalink

    I’d love to have a go at this but not in front of Geroge.

  5. Posted 24Jul05 at 19:34 | Permalink

    I’m sure he’ll close his eyes.

    I have a book of poems I wrote in my late teens to early twenties. I have never let them see the light of day, as I have always thought they were sub-standard rubbish. Having read Rosen’s efforts I think my poem about the Tiananmen square massacre is an undiscovered masterpiece.

    I’ve read better poetry in the People’s Friend.

  6. Posted 24Jul05 at 19:47 | Permalink

    Actually, I’ll contribute this, which is a real poem by a real poet, it’s on the front of my website at the moment, while it’s being updated

    The Diameter of the Bomb

    By Yehuda Amichai

    The diameter of the bomb was thirty centimeters
    and the diameter of its effective range about seven meters,
    with four dead and eleven wounded.

    And around these, in a larger circle
    of pain and time, two hospitals are scattered
    and one graveyard. But the young woman
    who was buried in the city she came from,
    at a distance of more than a hundred kilometers,
    enlarges the circle considerably,
    and the solitary man mourning her death
    at the distant shores of a country far across the sea
    includes the entire world of the circle.

    And I won’t even mention the howl of orphans
    that reaches up to the throne of God and
    beyond, making
    a circle with no end and no God.

  7. casualidiot
    Posted 24Jul05 at 21:36 | Permalink

    I’d like to offer a variation on Gyles Brandreth’s “Ode to a Goldfish”. Mine’s called “Doh to a scumbag”:

    O
    Wet
     PETN.

  8. Posted 25Jul05 at 01:58 | Permalink

    I tried to have a little fun with this exercise, but somehow I lost my sense of humor – it’s just so infuriating. Anyway…

    Dear Deserving Victim

    If you go into other people’s countries
    and hoard all their dough
    they will burn your children.
    You can tell them what you like
    You can ask us “If you prick us do we not bleed?”
    You can whine about the ‘six million’
    But the rule remains:

    If you try to forestall the race war
    they will murder Sharon Tate
    You can tell them what you like.
    You can tell us the White album was not the Beatles’ best
    You can tell us we are not the messiah
    But the rule remains:

    If you fail to keep your Burqa closed tight
    they will throw acid in your face
    You can tell them what you like
    You can tell us you are a decent woman
    You can beg us not to rape your daughters
    But the rule remains:

    If you go into other people’s counties
    and organize their nigras
    They will firebomb your churches
    You can tell them what you like
    You can tell us we are all children of God
    You can beg us not to hang you from the nearest tree
    But the rule remains:

    If you poke your nose into a mass murderer’s business
    and try to make them stop
    they will murder you.

  9. Posted 25Jul05 at 11:54 | Permalink

    Worse than a mother being asked to pay for the bullet that killed her son”

    What, we’re going to war with China now? Wish I’d got the memo…

  10. Judy
    Posted 25Jul05 at 16:21 | Permalink

    Do as we of the SWP, Respect and Hizb-ut-Tahrir say
    Or else other people will bomb you
    We wouldn’t dreaming of bombing you ourselves
    But if you don’t do as we say
    Other people will bomb you
    And then you’ll be to blame
    For not doing as we say
    Won’t you?

    Do as Osama bin Laden says
    Or else you’ll get bombed
    Do as Zarqawi says
    Or some Irish woman will get her head chopped off
    And then Michael Rosen will be able to write some doggerel saying
    It’s all your fault anyway

    Do as George Galloway says
    Do as Seumas Milne says
    Cos if you don’t
    We wouldn’t dream of blowing
    Men women black white christian muslims jews up on your tubes
    But some well sassy international terror group will
    Some group will organize some right on islamist young men
    to blow them all apart
    And then Michael Rosen will pretend to speak in the victims’ voices and say
    It’s all your fault anyway, isn’t it?

  11. Alan Webb
    Posted 25Jul05 at 22:18 | Permalink

    What a delicious blend of anger and wit. Thank you, especialy Dearieme. I feel inspired to take up the pen myself. Excuse me…

  12. Adriane
    Posted 26Jul05 at 03:54 | Permalink

    Roses come in root stock,
    While Petunias are sold by seed.

    You being a kaffir,
    Is the only excuse I need.

  13. Phil
    Posted 26Jul05 at 10:03 | Permalink

    Fatwa lite

    We have a hard time
    Here in the West
    Where people don’t like
    The way we dress.
    There’s Islamaphobia,
    MacDonalds too,
    And the folks don’t think
    Like me and you.

    But it’s bad to bomb London
    It’s bad! It’s bad!
    Because it’ll make our woes worse
    And the BNP mad.

    But it’s bad to bomb London,
    It’s bad! It’s bad!
    Though surely it’s worse
    To be in Baghdad.

    But it’s bad to bomb London,
    It’s bad! It’s bad!
    Though we know it’s unjust
    When Blair’s such a cad.

    So youngsters remember,
    It’s bad to bomb London.

    Just forget what we told you,
    About where the killers come from.

  14. Posted 26Jul05 at 10:10 | Permalink

    Michael?

  15. JSF
    Posted 26Jul05 at 15:35 | Permalink

    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    We’re fighting the brutal colonialist racist capitalist imperialist occupation of West Yorkshire,
    So its OK to bomb you.

  16. mw
    Posted 26Jul05 at 22:31 | Permalink

    Kite Dreams

    I was a child once, with dreams and a kite
    Now, I am dust, blood
    I live only in my mother’s cries
    In time, perhaps, I too will become the oil
    They so desire; that led them to vaporize
    Me, civil society, hope, history

    This was no eden, I confess
    The hanging gardens long since faded
    Into the prosaic plots of our lives
    The government was stern, yet caring
    They taught us of our past
    And corrected our myriad faults, like
    Solons of the two rivers
    They cried with us, for us
    It hurt them too, but it paled next to our
     Shame

    My father left, to be with them -
    We never spoke of it, though our hearts
    Burned with pride - he was in a better place
    A building in Firdos square with AC -
    He probably drove a toyota, and traveled
    The length of our great land, dispensing
    Candy, instruction, joy at the miracle of living
    He would protect us all from the northern menace
    Whose souls had long since melted into hate
    Who had forfeited the crescent for the star

    Then, They came; an irruption of confusion
    In a world of absolutes. Could they not see
    Past my skin?
    Past the rhetoric of their puppeteers?
    I lived only for my kite, which our Dear Father
    Gave to me - his face beaming,
    His moustache
    His hat
    The spirit of an age just unfolding
    I had a part to play
    I was a threat

  17. mw
    Posted 26Jul05 at 22:35 | Permalink

    Chevy needs cheap gas
    Let’s blow up some Arab ass
    Jews: “They fell for it!”

    Okay, I’m done. There are some convincing poems here… *shivers*

  18. Anonymous
    Posted 27Jul05 at 02:52 | Permalink

    If MW can go twice I’ll share the gift of my poetry a second time too. Is that OK? This one is free-style:

    * * *

    AND WHAT DID SADDAM DO

    You claim to bring democracy and social justice
    but before your aluminum war owls
    swooped down on our nursery schools, our hospitals
    of pregancy, our sylvan fields of kite flying…
    we had an election whose percent was one hundred, whilst you
    had an election of very small turnout, turnout, turnout…

    We had a consti(damn you)tution
    you bastards of strumpet-mother crusade!

    We had a socialist system sired by father Saddam
    before you picked at his teeth with your steely quills
    and plucked from his swirly beardhairs that which your orifices of hegemonous vision contrived to see as nitty and undesirable.

    And are we, I really have to wonder,
    our children, our mothers, our very souls…
    little more than nits
    for your too too unpigmented fingers to pick at?

    For totally no reason your paint of doom
    covered over our windows of peace.

    And what did Saddam do, Saddam do, Saddam do…
    That could have been so bad, so bad, so bad?

    For what is peace to you
    who eat your McDonalds, who launch your Spears of Brittany,
    who must have your precious machine oils,
    and then turn around and
    – O foul murderous troglodytes –
    bite off the heads of our serenity
    and spit them
    into the craven spitoons of Empire.

    And, I ask the fiery wind,
    What did Saddam do?
    What did he do, did he do, did he, do, do, do?

  19. Posted 27Jul05 at 02:59 | Permalink

    Sorry: I’m the “Anonymous” bard above.

  20. Hampster Squared aged 19 and three quarters
    Posted 27Jul05 at 10:05 | Permalink

    Not In My Name

    When I heard I bought the t’shirt
    ‘Cos I thought I’d have my say
    Take no action save for marching
    For I can see no other way

    Now look I was right all along
    See what you idiots did
    By invading all these countries
    You’ve gone and blown the lid

    All these Muslim chaps they hate us now
    Though all my friends and I are nice
    I’m sure that if you let them be
    They’d see it in a trice

    I didn’t want their children killed
    I disagreed with all my might
    For oil and greed the only cause
    So yeah, look, I’m alright

    Not in my name - I distance myself
    The left speak eloquently for me
    If I say all these things myself
    They only will ignore me

    My one true voice stands clear and loud
    At least inside my head
    Our bombed victims correspond
    To the number of Muslims dead

    And so, should bombers come my way
    I’d like to make it clear
    The writing on the wall y’see
    It says
    I woz not ‘ere (honest guv, I didn’t want them to do it)

    ps:
    I do not like them Trot I am
    I do not like this bloggers’ spam

  21. dearieme
    Posted 27Jul05 at 11:06 | Permalink

    Alan Webb, thanks, old bean. I particularly admire the skill with which I distinguished “they” and “They”. I’ve got my eye on the Oxford Chair of Poetry.

  22. Paul
    Posted 27Jul05 at 12:15 | Permalink

    CELEBRITIES FOR PEACE

    We speak for all the world of Art,
    We bare our breasts, our bleeding hearts,
    We give our all, it’s how we live,
    Bear witness as we give and give!
    Though we, it’s true, have for a time
    Obscure been, is it a crime
    To voice all your inchoate fears?
    ( And maybe just boost our careers )
    You common folk have not the skill,
    Our vision, passion, ego, will,
    To say the things that must be said
    When heart is king and not the head.
    From stage, from screen, from studio’s glare
    Admire our courage as we dare
    Proclaim what we know is the truth –
    No need for us to weigh the proof,
    Which anyway is not to hand,
    But hidden in those far off sands,
    That fractious, violent Middle East
    Where our albums sell the least,
    Where our books are rarely bought,
    And unlike here, our plays not taught
    In schools, whose pupils learn instead
    The Fear of God, the tyrant’s dread.
    It’s awful, but what can we say?
    It is so very far away…
    That’s why instead our words are hurled
    At those who lead the Western World,
    The boring men in boring ties,
    The baby killers with their lies,
    The men in suits with thinning hair,
    Who are so deeply, truly square,
    By whom we seem so young and fit
    ( Though plastic surgery helps a bit! )
    Their lust for oil’s the biggest fact;
    Trust me, because I sing and act..
    Bravely we will oppose this war,
    Protected by the rule of law
    Of course, so we need have no fear
    Of secret police and spending years
    In some forgotten prison cell;
    Thank God – we’ve CDs still to sell,
    Reviews to write for one another,
    Next year’s Celebrity Big Brother..
    We care, that’s why we take this stance
    And also for this final chance
    To put behind the things we did
    When our careers were on the skids;
    The “Hello” wedding and of course,
    The subsequent messy divorce,
    The starlet with the broken heart,
    The cheap motel, expensive tart,
    That unlawful carnal knowledge,
    Arrested in that public “cottage”,
    The drunken slurring at the BAFTA,
    Forgive us because from hereafter
    We fight as we’re the ones that care,
    Self appointed, upon the air.
    It’s true, our knowledge’s rather slight,
    But God! – just see those studio lights!

  23. J.Cassian
    Posted 27Jul05 at 15:52 | Permalink

    Why (Oh Why)???????????

    Why don’t you do what we tell you?
    Why won’t you acknowledge our moral superiority (which is blindingly obvious)?
    Why won’t you listen to the violent Iraqi minority (which is obviously blinding)?
    Why do you make us furrow our brows and huff and pout and snort and tut-tut and tch-tch and roll our eyes and click our tongues and cross our arms in disapproval (a feeling mixed with a not-altogether-unpleasant sense of self-satisfaction)?
    Why do you callously laugh at our papier-mache effigies of Bliar and Chimpler?
    Why do you make us spend our Saturdays on useless demonstrations when we could have been shopping at Fortnum and Mason’s?
    Why are we addicted to rhetorical questions?
    Why do we always imagine sub-Whitmanesque verse is going to win hearts and minds?
    Why do we think anaphora and parallelism are great poetic devices?
    Why is a river in western England, a bit like the Tigris, except unlike the Tigris it does not pong of the dead.
    Why is the second to last letter of the alphabet just before you get onto zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  24. Captain Thrice
    Posted 30Aug05 at 16:13 | Permalink

    The Evils of Freedom

    He wants to spread the evils of freedomTo foreigners who simply do not need ‘em

    He wants to give most everybody SARSAnd build a branch of Starbucks out on Mars

    He claims that we are all apologistsJust coz we understand the â€œterrorists”

    And he’s the one who caused that damn tsunamiWith the movements of his globalising army

    If only he would do just what they sayThe militants would surely go away

    So come on, everybodyIt’s time to use your noodle:Bush wants their oilHe wants their soilHe wants the whole kaboodle

    He’s the one who sends our boys to dieFighting for a Presidential lie

    He wants to build MacDonalds on the MoonAnd globalise Wollundry Lagoon

    Who is he to try and run their lives?And tell them to be nice to all their wives?

    He wants to make the world eat GM riceCoz he thinks a bunch of mutants would be nice

    And it’s he who causes all the global warmingWith his fighter/bomber jet-planes all a-swarming

    So come on, everybodyIt’s time to use your noodle:Bush wants their oilHe wants their soilAnd Blair is just his poodle

  25. Captain Thrice
    Posted 30Aug05 at 16:46 | Permalink

    Oops - sorry about the layout - it looked OK in preview.

    Since posting my poem, I’ve shown it to two people both of whom thought it seemed too much like a real anti-war poem to be amusing. That really says something, I think!

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  1. […] That’s certainly up there with the verse of that other apologist for war criminals, Harold Pinter. […]

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