The Spirit Of Lord Rothermere Lives On

Every single “serious” newspaper in the UK led with Iran this morning. But The Daily Mail devoted its entire front page to an attack on Gordon Brown and the Iraq Inquiry, and The Express (alongside a photograph of a Euro Lotto winner cradling a giant cabbage) to asylum seekers, the largest group of whom before the war came from Iraq. The Mail’s inside coverage of Iran is headlined:

POLL RIOTERS RIP IRAN APART AS AHMADINEJAD ROUNDS UP OPPOSITION

What those restive Iranians need is some “sound, commonsense, Conservative doctrine”.

People Of Colour

I love tie-and-dye, and used to carry books around in tie-and-dye bags that my mum made for me. It was some time before I became aware (to my discomfort) that people in the west associated it with hippies. Here’s a BBC slideshow about makers of tie-and-dye fabrics in Mali.

“Bringing this agenda towards fruition”

The resignation of Hazel Blears reminded me again that this nation’s government now has a “Department for Communities”. Letting that phrase pass my lips without implied quotation marks would be like vomiting into my mouth without washing it out.

Thanks to Kevin Harris’s “neighbourhoods” blog, I can sample a little of that department’s output, a review document called “Empowering communities to influence local decision making”. Brace yourself:

Local practitioners are a crucially important resource in developing this agenda [PDF, 571KB] and bringing it towards fruition.

It is important that government clarify the objectives of empowerment and give a sustained commitment to an agenda that may take a while to deliver notable successes.

These simple messages imply the need for developing accessible, inclusive and facilitated strategies for empowerment. The community and voluntary sector and specifically community development techniques have an important role to play here.

What in the name of Orwell is a “a facilitated strategy for empowerment”?

I’d resign too, rather than sign off on prose like that.

[UPDATE: via Andreas’ Blog, Gordon thanks Hazel for “driving forward the community empowerment agenda”.]

Primitive Tool Use

Cunningly, Yahoo! has made a virtue of the Alex Massie view of the relative lack of sophistication of “Twenty20” cricket to promote their live online coverage of the world championships.

[The video embedded below is a Windows Media file.]

“It’s always a good time to invest in litigation”

Slashdot links to a report in the New York Times about a project to combine genetic material from lawyering and fund management and create the highest hourly fee known to man.

Richard W. Fields says he has come up with a win-win financial strategy for the downturn. He is investing in lawsuits.

Not in trip-and-fall cases, mind you, but in disputes that are far larger, more costly and potentially more lucrative, often pitting major corporations against each other.

Mr. Fields is chief executive of Juridica Capital Management. which runs a fund that invests in one side of a lawsuit in exchange for a share of any winnings.

It’s like Alien vs Predator: “Whoever wins, we lose.”

Capable Of Universal Computation

The new “un-search engine” Wolfram Alpha beat Google in at least one of my tests:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Here are some of its answers to other, harder, questions.

Multitasking: She’s Doing It Right

Via Clive Davis and thanks to YouTube, Esperanza Spalding plays Stevie Wonder for POTUS [Click the “HQ” button for better quality]:

Going Home (Where Women Got Meat On Their Bones)

There ain’t a woman in this town big enough to keep me warm.

When It Hurts To Ask

Actually, it does hurt. It does hurt to ask the wrong way, to ask without preparation, to ask without permission. It hurts because you never get another chance to ask right.

If you run into Elton John at the diner and say, “Hey Elton, will you sing at my daughter’s wedding?” it hurts any chance you have to get on Elton John’s radar. You’ve just trained him to say no, you’ve taught him you’re both selfish and unrealistic.

The ChipOx Club Acquires Another Member

I hated Oxford and didn’t speak to anyone the whole first term,” she says. “I hated the way students used big words when plain English would do, how they laughed at things that weren’t funny, and how they spent the day in the library, then lied that they’d done no work. I also thought they’d reject me. I was a homeless kid who’d hung out with a knife-wielding gang just months before.

Villa beat Manchester

Chorlton Villa: 6 – Manchester International FC: 4

Position Statement

Tom Freeman doesn’t see the sense in The Times capitalizing the words “Left”, “Right”, and “Centre” when its writers use them to describe political leanings. I think the newspaper is right to do so.

Language is a communication channel, and shouldn’t be a fashion accessory or status symbol; however, in this country, more than many others, it often is. Being the classless geek that I am, I find one good way to think clearly about English usage is to put aside appeals to tradition or authority — not that Tom has made any — and be functional. The question I ask myself when I have to make a choice about a matter like this is:

“Will there be times when my making this distinction helps others to understand what I mean?”

For example, it’s worth insisting that “different” always takes “from”, so that sentences like

“Bob looked different to Alice.”

remain unambiguous in their meaning.

In this case, the “Left/left”, “Right/right”, “Centre/centre” distinctions pass the test. It’s trivially easy to come up with examples:

Gordon Brown always positioned himself on the left of Tony Blair at full meetings of Cabinet.”

Nick Clegg was at the centre of a row between two long-opposed factions within the LibDems yesterday evening.”

When David Cameron confronted last week’s meeting of the No Turning Back group with this apparent contradiction, many observers wondered if he was addressing his question to the right wing of the party.”

Where Are They Now?—Taff Trot / Brummie Schoolboy Edition

Back in the 80s, I used to be in a band with a guy called Martyn Hope — indeed, we went to school together. Back in the 90s, having read that, surreally, Elvis revivalist Shakin’ Stevens was a closet Red1, I went searching online to find out if he was a member of a late 70s cohort of Communist pop stars hailing from Wales. (Green “Scritti Politti” Gartside certainly was one.)

During my search, I was gobsmacked to discover that Martyn was now making a living as Shaky’s lead guitarist. It wasn’t that Martyn in any way lacked the talent for the job; it was just that this was even more surreal a scenario from my point-of-view than Shaky being a revolutionary. I still have a distinct memory as a kid of waking up on a schoolday to Shakin’ Stevens’s Green Door on Mike Read’s BBC Radio 1 breakfast show. Stevens is one of those people — like Celine Dion or Cliff Richard or almost anyone millions of Brits linedance to — who, despite being (because he is?) ignored/despised by hipsters and the mainstream media, sells shedloads of records. Apparently he played Glastonbury last year, though I’m not sure whether that means Shaky is cool now or Glasto is not; as regulars know, I don’t do “cool”, least of all the Glastonbury version of it.

A few weeks ago, Martyn and I got in touch via mutual friends on Facebook. He is a professional musician now and gigs with several bands as well as running an agency for them. Via his profile page, here’s a video to his playing on a track from the quiffmeister’s most recent Polish album [released December 2008]. Martyn is on the right, playing the nice Gibson, and takes a brief solo at about 2’11”. His picking throughout the song is rather more precise than the editing of the video. Martyn himself pointed out that, at the beginning, the drummer’s cymbal moves before he hits it.

  1. I’d like to make clear that I still haven’t found trustworthy independent confirmation of this rumour, and it might well be as true as the synthetic urban myth that Bob Holness plays sax on Baker Street — or indeed that His Holness was the man who put off Elvis himself during the infamous laughing version of Are You Lonesome Tonight?. []

Atheist Taliban Exposed By Daily Mail

The headline above is a lie, as is almost everything in an article in The Daily Mail, fisked here by the British Humanist Association.

[via wongaBlog]

Typical Bloody Scousers

You park the team bus outside Anfield on a Sunday and within minutes the wheels are off.

(Now that our improbable “breakthrough” season has officially gone down the tubes, can Villa just return to mid-table mediocrity again, please? I can’t be doing with the misplaced hope.)

Bat Into Hell

[A] bat, seen clinging to the external fuel tank of the Space Shuttle Discovery before its launch on Sunday, apparently clung for dear life to the side of the tank as the spaceship lifted off.

The shuttle accelerates to an orbital velocity of 17,500 milers per hour, which is 25 times faster than the speed of sound, in just over eight minutes. That’s zero to 100 mph in 10 seconds.

Did it make it into space? No one knows yet. But photos of Discovery as it cleared the launch tower showed a tiny speck on the side of the tank. When those photos were blown up, it became apparent that the speck was a bat.

Unfortunately, “Brian” is almost certainly an ex-bat.

[via Slashdot]

An Eight-Year-Old Watches Man U Versus Liverpool

From The Motley Fool:

My 8-year old daughter enters the room.

Millie: Aww, football?! Football is such rubbish.

As the daughter of a life-long Saints supporter she has a point.

Me: That’s true, but it’s not on for long.

A lump of sulk flops down next to me. I try to remember why other teams seem to pass the round white thing on the flat green stuff. I can’t remember. Suddenly the lump of sulk sits bolt upright.

Millie: Daddy, who’s the team playing in silver?

Me: Silver?! Oh, that’s Liverpool.

Millie: They’ve got a girl playing for them!

For a moment I feel like I’ve been transported back to St Mary’s but then I realise it’s not meant as an insult.

Me: A girl? What?

Millie: Look, there, she’s got blonde hair and she’s wearing an alice band!

Me: That’s not a girl, sweetie.

Millie: Men don’t wear alice bands!

Me: Well, actually…

Torres scores - 1-1.

Millie: Look! All the men are trying to cuddle her now, eeewwwww.

Me: No, that’s cos she, I mean HE, just scored a goal.

Millie: They’re cuddling each other because she scored a goal? Oh yuck, that one just kissed her!

Me: She’s not a girl, she’s a bloke!

Millie: Why don’t they just shake hands or something then?

Me: Well, I, errr… I don’t know, they prefer to cuddle, I mean hug… you know what I mean!

Millie: Daddy?

Me: Yes sweetie?

Millie: Do you cuddle people in your team at work when you do something good?

Me: No!

Pause.

Millie: I bet you’d cuddle her if she was in your team.

Me: She is a he! Her name, HIS name, is Fernando Torres.

Millie: Fernando?! Is he the one ABBA sing about?

Me: No, I don’t think ABBA sing any songs about football…

Millie: Pffff, football is such rubbish.

My 8-year old daughter leaves the room.

Diversity Training

The other day, I was (as one so often is) on the door at the latter stages of a central Brighton soul and Motown event with a mixed-race lesbian bouncer. She leerily told me tales of her days running sapphic club nights, and how the punters only really started to pile in when she imported a couple of London-based girl-on-girl dancers whose speciality was a floorshow involving lit candles. Our conversation was interrupted at one point by her own girlfriend ringing her on her mobile and her answering, to my stifled amusement, with the classic: “I’ve told you about calling me at work.”
[I think this counted as another one of those situations designed to make a Guardian reader’s brain explode.]

Some time before closing time (1:00 am), the now tired-and-emotional attendees started trickling out. One forty/fiftysomething man and his partner (female) walked past us. He turned back, put his arm around my shoulders, and began:
“Tell me something, right? I don’t like black music, right?”
[bouncer and Pooter exchange glances] then continued:
“But [pointing at his missus] she made me come to this. And it was bloody good. Bloody brilliant. It was like Blues Brothers music. I thought it was going to be all, like, Barry White. Is there any more of this stuff I should listen to?”

The Mother Of All Funk Chords

Brothers and sisters, watch and listen as the universal language of music meets the multimedia multi-ethnic mega-mashup that is teh Interwebz and a groove is born [YouTube video].

Kutiman, a 26-year-old citizen of [sarcasm]the Evil Zionist Entity, isn’t too busy baking the blood of Palestinian babies into matzos[/sarcasm] to do a reggae one, with a ginga Rasta sharing lead vocals, and a cool hip-hop-jazz-funk-classical one, and a banging Mediterranean-Middle-Eastern one, and a 60s-lounge-meets-home-keyboard one [all links to YouTube videos]. I love the background household details in this one, and this is sweet.

Here’s Kutiman’s ThruYOU project homepage and his explanation of his work.

[via Tim Almond]

The Squeaky Wheelchair

Paul Evans worked for a company that built Websites for political organizations long before the current crop of johnny-come-latelys started twittering about “digital engagement” and “campaigning 2.0”. This post of his about the kinds of people who use the Net to harass politicians and the kind of people politicians should listen to — two groups that, in Paul’s imagination, could well be more closely related in real life than they are in their attitudes — is excellent.

Noblesse blancmange

For some lucky and rich people who describe themselves as Left-wing, one of the worst things about free markets is that they have given the oiks the freedom to enjoy the pleasures that were previously restricted to their betters. A real “socialist” state would provide the lower orders with more suitable goods: perhaps they would be allowed to see People Like Us with nice vowels do Shakespeare — only matinees, mind; wouldn’t want the unwashed sitting too close by in the evenings.

This piece by the legendary Liz Jones — is she a creation of Craig Brown? we should be told — exemplifies that attitude perfectly. Under the headline “IF ONLY WE’D HAD GREEN CUSTARD WHEN I MARCHED WITH THE MINERS”, ex-Communist Jones praises Leila Deen, the eco-warrior who slimed the Business Secretary Peter Mandelson. I reproduce the best bit of the article here, so you don’t have to visit the Daily Maily Website:

I was about to board a Virgin Atlantic flight from Heathrow to LA a couple of weeks ago.

I asked the woman at the check-in desk how full the plane was. ‘Rammed.’ How many children are near me? ‘Ooh, quite a few infants.’

As I only had a seat in economy, and didn’t want to spend 11 hours being made more deaf than I already am, I asked if I could pay to sit in premium economy.

‘It’s full,’ she said. Upper class?

‘No, that’s full as well.’ But I’d have thought that, what with the recession and the weaker pound and global warming, the plane would be almost empty?

‘No, it’s business as usual,’ she said, smiling sweetly. Bugger.

I had hoped the dire straits in which the world now finds itself would have at least guaranteed a spare seat next to me on the plane. And I had consoled myself – while briefly thinking about my carbon footprint – with the thought that the plane would take off whether I was on board or not, so what did it matter?

This is the problem. Each of us feels so ignored, so disenfranchised, we no longer believe individual actions can make a difference.

So, well done indeed to a determined young woman called Leila Deen, who on Friday decided to get up early, make some custard and dye it green (rather than spend two hours deciding which ridiculous pair of shoes to wear, which is what most women of her generation seem to do these days), plonk herself outside the Royal Society and fling the custard in Peter Mandelson’s smarmy face.

It’s not April yet, but surely this is a parody?

Not Dead

Thank you very much to the PooterGeeker who sent me a Minolta SLR camera, lenses and other exciting goodies. You are star. I feel guilty writing so little lately when my readers are so nice to me.

The person who sent me that amazing gift is someone I have never met in my life, which brings me to my second point, a point that also links my two previous posts here. The photo of me and Thatch shows her presenting me with a scholarship at and on behalf of (the Association for Science Education and) the Royal Institution, where Susan Greenfield is currently a full professor and director — and responsible for rubbish like this. Greenfield’s an embarrassment to science. Normally it’s non-scientific academics who flit from medium to medium under the amusing banner of “public intellectual” making fashionable, unsubstantiated claims and demanding action. We expect that sort of thing from them and, usually, our elected representatives are sensible enough to ignore them.

I have attacked gibberish from Greenfield in the past on PooterGeek. Watch this YouTube video in which Ben Goldacre (who provided the link in my previous post) does the same on BBC’s Newsnight.

Яolcats

Via Ben Goldacre, “English Translations of Eastern Bloc Lolcats”.

Golly!

You Wouldn’t Steal A Parrot

The (Monty) Pythons raid YouTube, displacing poor-quality rip-offs of scenes from their films on the site by adding official, high-quality rip-offs. Are they mad? Well, they’re certainly richer. Their DVD sales have increased by 23 000 percent.

[via Slashdot]

Jew Do You Think You Are?

Whenever someone implies that anti-Semitism isn’t racism, I point out that it’s one of the few examples of discrimination that really is racism (unlike, for example, the invented thoughtcrime “Islamophobia”1 ) because the Ashkenazi Jewish population is as close as you can get scientifically to the common (and deeply flawed) notion of what a “race” is.

Adam Woolfe, who did his PhD at the HGMP-RC before it closed down, drew my attention to this paper in Genome Biology, “A genome-wide genetic signature of Jewish ancestry perfectly separates individuals with and without full Jewish ancestry in a large random sample of European Americans”, that shows this more rigorously:

Background

It was recently shown that the genetic distinction between self-identified Ashkenazi Jewish and non-Jewish individuals is a prominent component of genome-wide patterns of genetic variation in European Americans. No study however has yet assessed how accurately self-identified (Ashkenazi) Jewish ancestry can be inferred from genomic information, nor whether the degree of Jewish ancestry can be inferred among individuals with fewer than four Jewish grandparents.

Results

Using a principal components analysis, we found that the individuals with full Jewish ancestry formed a clearly distinct cluster from those individuals with no Jewish ancestry. Using the position on the first principal component axis, every single individual with self-reported full Jewish ancestry had a higher score than any individual with no Jewish ancestry.

  1. Many who use the word “Islamophobia” are, however, actual racists because they lump together multitudes of human individuals and assign to them both an inaccurate label and a set of presumed characteristics and/or grievances. []

For Statistical Sneerers Everywhere

This has to be one (if only one) in the eye for all those people who say there’s no point in listening to passenger plane safety announcements about how to slide down the inflatable ramp and put on your flotation aid because if there’s a crash the best you can hope for is to be a smear on a mountainside:

A US Airways Airbus A320 passenger plane carrying at least 150 people has crashed into the Hudson River in New York City.

A passenger who escaped from the aircraft told CNN: “A couple of minutes after taking off we heard a loud bang, the plane shook a bit and immediately we could smell smoke and fire.”

Fox News also quoted passengers as saying that everyone from the plane had escaped alive.

Offensive Language

Harry Windsor is a “thug” for referring to another soldier by the nickname “Paki”, according to Mohammed Shafiq of the Ramadhan Foundation, quoted by the BBC. The BBC page links to the Website of that organisation, where Shafiq also claims that the government of Israel is like that of the Nazis.

The organization’s Chairman and Patron, Muhammad Umar, has his own page there also, headed with an image of Umar “presenting Services to Humanity award” [sic] to Mahathir bin Mohamad, former Prime Minister of Malaysia. Here are some of the words of bin Mohamad, offered in the Service of Humanity:

The Jews for example are not merely hook-nosed, but understand money instinctively.

The Jews robbed the Palestinians of everything, but in Malaysia they could not do so, hence they do this, depress the ringgit.

We [Muslims] are actually very strong, 1.3 billion people cannot be simply wiped out. The Nazis killed 6 million Jews out of 12 million [during the Holocaust]. But today the Jews rule the world by proxy. They get others to fight and die for them. They invented socialism, communism, human rights and democracy so that persecuting them would appear to be wrong so they may enjoy equal rights with others. With these they have now gained control of the most powerful countries. And they, this tiny community, have become a world power.

Double Knockout

A lot of women think testosterone is a dangerous substance, but without it mankind would be incapable of feats like this.

[Flash video, via The Motley Fool]

Endangered Pink Lizards Threatened By Invasion Of Feral Goats

Seriously.