Lewis Cannoned

Boris and Ray

From The Daily Telegraph:

Less than 24 hours after both men responded to sleaze allegations against Mr Lewis by insisting he had done nothing to compromise his role as a magistrate, it emerged that there was no record of the deputy mayor ever serving as a justice of the peace.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Justice said: “No, he is not and has never been a magistrate.”

Scotland Yard separately revealed that police had received a string of complaints against Mr Lewis over the last decade, in one case leading to his arrest on suspicion of deception. Each time the police concluded that no further action should be taken.

“Let Them Eat Smoke!”

Norm asks two questions:

People on the wrong end of social and economic inequalities don’t just experience health disadvantages from smoking, but disadvantages across the board - in every area of health, in life expectancy, in the pattern of life chances in general. Shall we impose compulsory legal norms about diet, about exercise, about whatever else, on the grounds of wanting to protect the worse-off from the effects of inequality?

Sometimes we should and we do—if the inequality is gross enough, if evidence of the effectiveness of a policy is solid enough, if the consequences of not implementing it severe enough, and if the compulsion we impose is modest enough. In fact, if a health problem is sufficiently serious, we already do far worse: we break normal medical confidentiality and isolate individuals. In the UK, the poor are disproportionately affected by infectious disease, just as they are disproportionately affected by smoking. The link between cigarette addiction and premature death is, in fact, stronger than that between smallpox infection and premature death. In both cases, we use the law to protect those around the victims as well as the victims themselves.

Inequality itself closes down - or impinges otherwise negatively on - the freedoms and the choices of those with fewest resources. (It does it already.) For this we should deprive them of the freedom to have a smoke in a pub, somewhere?

Yes.

Many people who smoke die horrible deaths. Far fewer people who give up smoking do. The legislation against smoking in public places has resulted in a massive fall in the number of smokers in this country and changed the public perception of smoking in general—much as changes in legislation changed the perception of drink-driving; when I write this I am not drawing any moral equivalence between these practices, though they both used to boost pub takings and kill poor people.

I have no doubt that if such a smoking ban had been qualified or partial it would have had a limited effect on the consumption of cigarettes by the general public, rather like the limited effect that “partially” giving up smoking has on a smoker’s habits. When the Institute of Cancer Research and its clinical partner the Royal Marsden hospital only enforced a ban on smoking within their buildings, rather than their entire sites, you could see patients (and their relatives and friends) lined up outside for a desperate gasp at the tobacco that helped to put them there. They were occasionally accompanied by some of the medical equipment that was helping to keep them here. This is the horrifying nature of the disease. Even (especially?) when the Grim Reaper is sitting in a visitor’s chair on the palliative care ward asking for the TV remote control so he can put Bargain Hunt on, some of its other occupants won’t stop stuffing death sticks into their own rotting mouths. Some—God help them—even ask others to do so for them because they can no longer do it themselves.

Unlike, say, injecting heroin, smoking cigarettes in itself kills. (Passive smoking kills too.) Half of all smokers eventually die of cancer or a smoking-related disease. Smoking tortures and destroys its victims in a variety of ugly ways. If they are lucky, they only suffer bronchitis or heart attacks or lose limbs; if they are unlucky, they die as uncontrollably growing blossoms of their own flesh foul their bodies. Lung cancers caused by smoking are among the commonest and deadliest forms of cancer in humans.

Where they have been enforced, public smoking bans have improved the health of smokers and those who have to work around them. They save lives. Like vaccination programmes, these effects are seen amongst the rich and the poor. Weighed against the appalling toll of smoking on humanity as a whole, even weighed against the inevitable suffering of a few thousand of those who would otherwise have not given up had it not been for public prohibition in England and elsewhere, talk of “depriving” smokers of a “freedom” is morally obtuse.

When it comes to protecting the disadvantaged from the effects of inequality, superficially “illiberal” evidence-based public health programmes are the anti-Marxism. Marxism seemed a good way to reduce inequality in theory—to those with a dangerously incomplete understanding of history, science, logic, and human nature. The lack of evidence to support its utopian revelations didn’t shake the confidence of many Marxists in their anti-human, pseudoscientific cult. Sadly, they didn’t stop at being wrong in print, but urged their prescriptions upon their fellows and continued to do so as the corpses piled up. In practice, Communism resulted in the murder and enslavement of more human beings than any other ideology in the history of mankind. A relatively small sub-pile of Communism’s dead were the victims of “biologists” who elevated political theory over scientific fact, to the point when thousands starved. (As cultists often do, they also persecuted those of their professional peers who continued to pursue open enquiry into nature.)

In contrast, real scientists and doctors predicted that even thoroughly tested public health programmes would result in the forced extinction of species, the inflicting of pain on innocent children (sometimes against their parents’ wishes), restrictions upon individuals’ freedom of movement and association, and the deliberate administration of substances that would almost certainly poison and/or kill a proportion of recipients. It was up to governments to consider these consequences and choose whether or not to accept them in pursuit of predicted improvements in general well-being. Despite these awful side effects, such programmes have—even nett of those that have failed or done actual harm—saved many millions of lives and freed millions more from pain, disability, and disfigurement.

Evidence-based public health policy is about counting the corpses before devising ways to reduce their numbers, rather than devising a supposedly practical political philosophy and then later trying to divert the blame for, or simply hide, the slaughter that results when people attempt to use it to change the World “for the better”. No form of state intervention in the lives of individuals has done more to reduce inequality than evidence-based public medicine, but, exactly unlike Communism, most of the time that hasn’t even been its purpose. I know which I prefer, in theory and in practice, for rich and poor.

Norm accuses Libby Brooks of a “narrowness of focus” because when she writes in support of the ban she points out that smoking damages the health of the poor more than that of the rich. Narrowness of focus, the judicious application of reductionism, is one of the great strengths of science. If more political theorists adopted a similar philosophical humility in the face of complex problems then they might, one day, construct a theory worthy of the name. Such narrowness often works in practice. Even now, when we should have long ago learned the bloody lessons of the 20th century, we have to listen to commentators complaining about a lack of a “vision” or an ideology on the part of some politician of whom they disapprove, as though that were a bad thing. The bodies of those sacrificed to big ideas are stacked high enough already.

In the past, coercive public health measures far more illiberal than banning smoking in public places have spared the poor suffering and death, even absent relative improvement in their material circumstances. Indeed, before the development of antibiotic treatment, the best hope of impoverished victims of tuberculosis was the forced imposition “of norms about diet, about exercise, about whatever else, on the grounds of wanting to protect the worse-off from the effects of inequality”—the rich could already afford their own sanatoria and knew the value of their regimens.

If preventing thousands of miserable deaths today means that some people are merely “deprived” of the “freedom[!] to have a smoke in a pub, somewhere”, then that’s just tough. British citizens are still free to kill themselves and their families slowly in private. I can think of worse things in this world than being made to go outside for a public smoke. I’ve seen too many of those things. There’s more than one good reason why the first patients you meet at medical school are dead.

Top Tip

You certainly don’t want to go walking through a field of disoriented, agitated and wet honey bees.

– Richard Duplain, vice president of the New Brunswick [Canada] Beekeepers Association

Unfortunately for one journalist, not everyone got Mr Duplain’s advice in time, says this story.

[Thanks, Sue]

The Trials Of Being A Covers Band

Masters of the live hip-hop mash-up, The Roots, displayed their usual relaxed attitude when asked to comment on events at their first headlining show at Glastonbury this week. Early on in their performance, a member of the audience managed to get up on stage and gained control of a working microphone, through which he continued to shout tunelessly over the rest of the otherwise impressive performance.

“That sorta thing happens a lot at college gigs,” commented keyboard player Kamal Gray, “When he started out by trying to do some sucky singalong English indie band thing, we thought it was just a kid who couldn’t handle his liquor. Then he started shouting about a ‘bitch’ and we figured it was some drunken crazy who’d grab the mic to cuss at his ex-. I mean, this brother was so out of it he thought we were some kind of Beatles tribute act. But, pretty soon, we checked his face and we could see his was kinda older and we knew we’d seen him before. It was more like the usual uncle-at-a-wedding thing, y’know?”

Indeed they had seen their uninvited guest—later revealed to be a fellow American, one Shawn Carter—before, and, familiar with his somewhat basic obsessions, they applied their talents to the task of integrating his often bragging and abusive outpourings, to the extent that the most of the audience of thousands, many of them unfamiliar with black music, believed they were intended to be part of the show.

Congratulated at a subsequent press conference on their ability to improvise under difficult circumstances, Gray replied: “Yeah, it was a strange night in a lotta ways: great marquee, man, perhaps the best we’ve seen; but no cake-cutting, no first dance for the bride-and-groom, and no Come On Eileen. Hey, whatever happens, the show goes on, y’know? We’ll be at Southend Working Men’s Club next week. Check us out, y’all!”

Merrit

Do you remember Wei?

Wei is made up

Well, Wei…

Wei is thoughtful

…wed…

Bobby and Wei marry

Bobby and Wei sit on a park bench

wedding rings

…Bobby…

Bobby laughs

…in Edinburgh earlier this month, and I was hired to shoot the event.

It wasn’t my first tri-lingual wedding, but it was my first Cantonese/Mandarin/Scottish one. And it was the first one from which the happy couple excused me in the small hours because the tea ceremony was over-running.

the bridesmaids\' bouquets

Flower girl holds wedding favour

[Unusually for me, one of these images was touched up. I removed a scratch from the scan of the wedding favour negative with the amazing Scratch Remover Tool in Corel Paint Shop Pro.]

And here’s another cool thing you can do with old Minolta film cameras.

Outage

Because of an ongoing1 split between two networks: that of my ISP and the one belonging to my server hosts, I can only send messages out of and receive them into my main email account by extremely convoluted means today. Apologies to anyone trying to reach me.

  1. I wanted to use “current” rather than the wince-inducing “ongoing”, but that might have been interpreted electronically. []

Raffish

Look at Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaelo Follieri’s hairdo and blue-jeans-and-blazer combo and tell me you’re surprised he is being questioned about an alleged large-scale credit card fraud.

Ann and him

I bet she’s wishing she’d returned my calls now.

Racism And Sexism To Be Protected By Law

This is simply wrong:

Harriet Harman has defended plans to make it legal for firms to discriminate in favour of female and ethnic minorities job candidates.

The equalities minister said firms should be able to choose a woman over a man of equal ability if they want to.

Satire Again Trumped By Reality

I had drafted a PooterGeek post of semi-exaggerated biographies of the actual candidates for the upcoming Haltemprice and Magnercarter by-election, but it all seems so feeble now that David Icke is in the running. Yes, Britain’s leading conspiracy theorist and retired messiah says he’s going to join the circus.

By the way, I think it reflects well on our democracy that the voters of Haltemprice and Ainshent-Freedums have a choice of displacing Davis, who, to his credit, has had more than one real job in the real world, with one of two pub landlords or a beauty queen (amongst others), rather than having to choose between various lifelong hacks.

[via Sadie]

Trouble At T’ Degree Mill

Another “shocking state of our universities today” story has appeared on the BBC news Website. A report from the Quality Assurance Agency says the degree classification system is broken. I smiled when I read this bit:

The reports from the QAA raise some worries about the effectiveness of the external examiner system, in which examiners from other universities are brought in to provide an external verification of standards.

and the comment from an external examiner below it:

I’ve seen some very poor examining before - a lot of examiners are old pals of the course team and their visits are simply catch-up exercises.

because, in the same academic year as I was visiting lecturer and examiner on a degree course at [insert name of top-three university here], I received a letter at [insert name of other top-three university here] inviting me to be an external examiner of exactly the same course at [insert name of first university here]. Asking one of the authors of a course to then review it and pass on his remarks to himself might be taking the old boy network thing a smidgen too far—or, perhaps, not far enough.

When I was a bioinformatician, the top hit on Google for the title of my discipline was my “Bioinformatics Frequently Asked Questions”. I first wrote the document when I was at the Institute of Cancer Research because people kept writing to me to ask what bioinformatics was. One of the points I made in my definition was that bioinformatics was, by necessity, an impure science. I went as far as to call it a kind of engineering science. Especially within the Golden Triangle of Oxford, Cambridge, and London, where I spent my years in biomedical research, this was generally looked down on. Academic grant giving bodies prefer to fund academic projects, not applied ones (and run screaming from funding research services). I thought, on the contrary, that the applied nature of bioinformatics it was one of its strengths. Research work in the pure sciences is already orders of magnitude more intellectually exacting and successful than work in the arts, humanities, and social “sciences” because it is mostly tested against experiment. Testing its output against practice as well (usually) makes it even more so

Once bioinformatics showed its usefulness however, it was soon assimilated by the Academic Collective and even the additional external discipline of having to make things work in a production environment didn’t keep out the bullshitters—as I discovered more than once when I found myself wading through, and sometimes rewriting, the code of computer programs written by academic researchers that didn’t do anything like what their authors claimed it did. (At a dinner with some currently practising biomedical scientists a couple of weeks back, they told me that many bullshitters have since migrated to the more recently fashionable field of “systems biology”. Don’t ask me to define that one.)

Later, but before I moved to the Genome Campus, the Bioinformatics FAQ was adopted by the independent, not-for-profit Bioinformatics Organization. As usual with my teaching materials (though not my actual teaching), I gave it away gratis, with the simple requirement that no one passed off the content as their own—and I tried my best to credit every single contibutor who sent me corrections and additions. I also let people mirror the document, provided they linked back to the original.

Even these generous conditions weren’t enough for some people. Some of the worst abusers of my generosity were tenured academics. A particularly bold example was a professor in the US who not only cut-and-pasted large chunks of the FAQ into the slides of his introductory bioinformatics lecture without citing his source, but even passed off my lame jokes as his own. Elsewhere on his academic homepage, he had the nerve to warn his students against plagiarism.

I thought about this as I read the BBC Website’s report last week on the General Medical Council finding Raj Persaud guilty of borrowing of others’ work for his own publications without attribution. Given some of the things I’ve seen going on academic biomedical research departments, this quote also brought a smile to my face:

Jeremy Donne QC, GMC counsel, accused Dr Persaud of enhancing his own reputation at the expense of the hard work and scholarship of other people.

Blimey. Next thing you know they’ll be hauling medics up before the GMC for sticking needles in people.

In related news, it seems:

Degrees are being awarded to overseas students who speak almost no English, claims a whistleblowing academic.

The academic, at a world-famous UK university, says postgraduate degrees are awarded to students lacking in the most basic language skills.

It’s a disgrace!

[UPDATE: Having read this back and winced at the possibility that it might be interpreted otherwise, I should point out that I referred to my employment in the Golden Triangle to show that the rot (such as it is) goes to the top, not to big myself up. It will continue to be a running theme of PooterGeek that I am both a failed medic and a failed scientist.]

This Makes Me Happy

There’s a new “Where The Hell Is Matt?” video out: a world united in dodgy dancing to New Age wibbling. Go Matt!

Higher resolution version intermittently available here.

Bag Lady Collects Spare Change

It’s not just in the real world that inflation is a problem for those responsible for monetary policy. Right now, the virtual world of World of Warcraft needs to deal with an acute growth in money supply. Its administrators have decided to do so by conjuring many imaginary objects of enormous utility from nothing, giving the aforementioned goods to even-more-imaginary-than-usual game characters who never buy stuff, and letting those characters sell the desirables to real unreal people (the players) at vast prices—thereby turning the characters into black holes for liquidity. That one of these imaginary characters has an all-but-actionable resemblance to the über-celebutante herself adds an extra level of blogability:

[Haris] Pilton will offer players a line of high-end bags and jewellery designed to free them of their excess cash. The “Gigantique” bag for instance, is larger than any other general-purpose bag in the game currently, but will lighten your wallet by 1,200 gold.

Where I’m At

Damian\'s place on the Political Compass

Everyone else did this ages ago. I have a long and boring chore to finish right now, so naturally I am procrastinating with things like the Political Compass test. I didn’t like a lot of the site’s questions and its idea of where the Centre is, but its assessment of my politics relative to those of the UK Labour, Conservative, and Lib Dem parties as laid out in the second (right-hand side) plot seems accurate to me. In the first plot, I’m the red dot: a long way Left and libertarian of the big three, which is fine by me; and not as far away from the Greens, which is not fine by me at all.

The Anti-Johansson Sings

She doesn’t get the fancy sound, lighting, backing band, and monitoring mixer; but then Sara Bareilles is a musician not a filmstar. Even if this amateurish video was planted on YouTube as some kind of cunning lo-fi viral marketing trick, there’s no denying the woman’s talent. Her performance starts well and gets better and better until the even chattering fools in the audience waiting for the main attraction have to pay attention. Check this out.

The Truth About 42 Days

42 days is 42 times 24 = 1008 hours. That is, it’s just enough days to exceed the three digit maximum that can be shown in the hour segment of the giant red LED displays that all timer-controlled terrorist bombs use to count down to detonation.

The Book ‘Em Prize

In an effort to push through an extension to the number of days the police can detain you without charge (if you are suspected of being a terrorist), the government—sorry: “Gordon Brown”, because all current and future legislation is the work of a single overbusy Scotsman—is suggesting that it will compensate innocent suspects held under the new legislaton:

Unveiling what appeared to be one final compromise, Tony McNulty, the Home Office Minister, disclosed that ministers were considering a compensation proposal. It was believed that suspects would be given up to £3,000 for every day they were held but subsequently released without charge. The Home Office later refused to confirm specific figures, however.

Putting a potential £126 000 of prize money at stake—time for me to work on that beard—is a cunning plan to ensure that when critics make reference to “Big Brother” legislation, the general public will think of the game show rather than the character in 1984.

Freshening The Blogroll

I have to accept that the fine blogs “Let’s Be Sensible” and “The British Bullshit Foundation” are never coming back. In their respective market niches, PooterGeek now links to “Right Next Time” and “Sadie’s Tavern“. Don’t let me down, people.

I’ve also made the following long-overdue additions: Paul Anderson’s blog Gauche, David Thompson’s, er, David Thompson, and Tom Freeman’s Freemania. Also, if you’re interested in Hot Wheels Helena’s vegetables you can have a look at her and her flatmate’s new blog: “The Floodlit Allotment“.

Slapped

The top of the BBC News page about a possible new cure for baldness carries an image of an anonymous baldie:

anonymous baldie at top of BBC News baldness cure report

The bottom of the same page has images of Nick Robinson and Terry Wogan:

Nick Robinson and Terry Wogan at foot of baldness cure report

Yesterday, as I was running to the gym past a bunch of army cadets waiting outside a local youth centre, one of the boys pointed at me and shouted to one of the girls: “Here comes your boyfriend!”
The girl replied: “Harsh! I can’t help it if I go for baldies.”
One of her girlfriends added (in her defence?): “Yeah, but he’s not exactly Ashley Cole, is he?”

No, I’m not. I’m five inches taller for a start.

Another One Of Google’s Smirks

If you type “Gaullism” into Google correctly then this what you see:

gaullism from Google

If you omit an ‘L’, you get this:

gaulism from Google

How Entertainment Industry Feuds Begin

In the space of a few days, My Scarlett Johansson post has become the subject of a round of Bloggese Whispers.

First, Clive Davis linked to my “review” on his Spectator blog. One of God’s little jokes is that Clive Davis, London Times music critic, shares his name with Clive Davis, US record producer, executive, and TV talent show judge. To his credit, the Clive I know spends too much of his (often transatlantic) professional life explaining to people that he isn’t the Clive Davis a million aspiring Mariah Careys want to get to know better. (Men, ask yourself honestly what you would do if desperate young women kept mistaking you for someone who could get them a recording contract?)

Secondly, and unfortunately, my original comment about Johansson’s singing, which was embedded in praise for her other artistic endeavours, has now been attributed by another blogger—not just to Clive Davis the journalist, who was quoting me, remember—but, via another step in the chain, to Clive Davis the mogul, who has nothing whatsoever to do with this. How long before the World reads on the front page of The National Enquirer?:

“TOP RECORD PRODUCER: SCARLETT SINGS LIKE A DOG.”

Taking Irony To The Next Level

This morning I received an email from a community college in Canada asking permission to publish a link on its Website to the Website of Index on Censorship.

Falling Down

There is an upside to my not being a drop-dead gorgeous superstar: whenever I’m working with a bunch of stubbly musicians and my singing’s not up to scratch, they tell me, bluntly. I got my first paid residency after helping a pianist move a piano to a restaurant. He asked me to take over from an extraordinarily handsome bloke who wowed the female diners but sang like a drain.

Scarlett Johansson is a drop-dead gorgeous superstar—a talented actress who, I’m sure she is relieved to read, is beautiful enough to overwhelm my mild (and redundant) prejudice against blondes. Despite her youth, she has already had a dazzling career, characterized by her shrewd choices of acting roles, public behaviour, and dress designers. I wouldn’t put my money on her appearing in an Uwe Boll film, being the subject of a “secret” sex video, or being photographed with her thong peeking above the waist of a pair of towelling slacks.

She has, however, a singing voice like two labradors spinning in an industrial tumble dryer. This is not a matter of taste; it’s a purely technical assessment based on her demonstrated inability to pitch notes accurately. If I had to comment on the texture of her voice I would have to rummage deeper in my bag of similes. Watch this video [via the Flea]. How long can you last with the volume turned up? Look at the expressions on the faces of the more-than-competent backing musicians. It’s almost the opposite of certain recent Bob Dylan live performances, in which seasoned session players fix their eyes on His Bobness to watch out for whatever batshit crazy thing he’s going to do to one of his songs next, knowing at least that, under the willful musical perversity, the guy has some understanding of the Western system of harmony. The scene on the other end of that link, instead, captures the only circumstances under which you can see a room full of men, gay or straight, conspicuously not looking at Scarlett Johansson.

lolron

Ronaldo levitates

Hasta la vista, Aunty

OPRAH: I’d just like to say what a great privilege it is to have you with us on the show today, Barry.

BARRY: Thank you, Oprah. I’m so grateful to God for my good fortune just to be here, but my good fortune is all the greater for my both being here and being here with you.

OPRAH: [holding up large white hardback book with a picture of small beige boy weeping on its jacket] We’ve talked about a lot of memoirs on the show—Steve Pilbrow’s Please Do It To The Cat Instead, Daddy1, Susan Woomera’s Tears In My Gruel, and Desmond Moines Ouch, That Smarts—but yours is something special, following on as it does from your multi-million selling Dreams from My Father and The Audacity of Hope.

BARRY: Could I just take this opportunity to thank all my readers, from all parts of this great nation—black, white, Hispanic, Asian-American, and Jewish; rich, middle-class, and bitter—who have been kind enough to buy my previous books?

AUDIENCE: [applause, whistles, whoops]

OPRAH: …Sure, Barry. Of course…

BARRY: …When I was a young man, working as a volunteer in a soup kitchen at the Church Of The Thrice-Damned Honky, fighting with the unholy temptations of drugs, wondering if I would ever see my African daddy again, struggling to find an identity, sometimes I dreamt that one day I would have just this kind of opportunity, an opportunity to talk to all the people of America, the people in the red states and the blue, in boardrooms and on porches…

OPRAH: …Now, your new and most recent volume of reminiscences brings your amazing life story right up to date. In Not Without Lube, Aunty! you have dropped perhaps the biggest bombshell yet of your extraordinary career. You tell a shocking tale of how a previous close and trusted family friend, whom you only refer to in the book as “H”, together with her husband “W”, stalked you across all 58 states of America and subjected you to a sustained and systematic campaign of abuse…

BARRY: …I think we gotta be careful here not to exaggerate the scale of her cruelty, Oprah…

OPRAH: …Barry, I have to stop you there. I have to say that “abuse” is the only word that’s appropriate. We’re talking about a pattern of destructive behaviour that—as you write in the terrifying climax of your book—only stopped when you persuaded her husband W to shoot her with a grenade launcher and push her into a vat of molten metal…

BARRY: …Did I mention my daddy was a goatherd? In Africa?…

  1. I stole this []

Pussy Pedantry

My last post prompted a reader to send me photos of her tortoiseshell cats. [Thank you!] Such a flow of cat pics is of course unconventional in cat blogging, but it gives me an opportunity to point out that it’s only some of the much rarer male tortoiseshells that are the true chimeras, mixtures from two distinct embryos of different colours; and that even those obviously aren’t interspecies chimeras, just as the human example I linked to isn’t.

Since female tortoiseshell cats are a gross manifestation of the phenomenon of sex-specific gene expression knowns as “X-inactivation“, and so-called “Barr bodies” in individual cells are a microscopic one, this also gives me a chance to link, radio DJ-style, to an example of the kind of Frankensteinian activity even relative beginners in the lab have been up to for years.

One of the first things I learned to do as a research assistant was to take blood from human volunteers, purify out the white blood cells, and transform them with Epstein-Barr virus into immortal cancerous tumours. Then I grew them in incubators. It’s the sort of thing no one in the business gets the slightest bit upset about, but it sounds deeply yucky to many outsiders, especially when they are told that you have to be careful to keep the growing cell cultures away from their donors for fear that you might give them a lymphoma that their immune systems would be unable to fight—a real consideration when the people you have taken blood from are, for convenience, often your co-workers.

Growing Up

[UPDATE: Edited to use the version of the body text that actually makes some sense with the originally posted title.]

I’m not that old, so I’m often puzzled by people who make historical pronouncements in ignorance of recent, relevant history, sometimes history that happened within their lifetimes but not mine. Of course, as Catholic dogma would have it, not having been born is no excuse for failing to see the light: those who speak in ignorance like this, even the greybeards, should know that it’s now easier now than ever to get hold of information about events that happened before they came into the World.

You know the sort of people I mean from your days at university: trivial examples include those who skip a century and overlook, amongst others, these guys and think that popular music began with the Beatles (and conclude, for example, that performers who don’t write their own songs can’t be any good); slightly less trivial—I’m not being sarcastic—examples are student “radicals” who think that socialism started with Marx, when Marx defined his ideas against what his contemporaries called socialism. (It’s funny, but I can think of few people who would agree with my belief that communism isn’t socialism—outside the early communists. This also explains in part why most (all?) of the states with “socialist” in their names have not been a) socialist b) places you’d want to live.)

Anyway, on a similar theme, I haven’t paid much attention to the current debate about the regulation of hybrid embryo research, but I haven’t noticed a single commentator point out that we’ve been fusing together different species of living cell—including human cells—since the 60s. I know this because I studied it when I was at university myself, but also because, in the mid-90s, my boss’s boss was one of the first people to have done it. [Go here, type the phrase "cell fusion" into the search box, and browse to the end with the results ordered by date of publication.] There hasn’t been anything “Frankensteinian” about the results since then and there won’t be now. (We’ve used cell fusion to make antibodies, amongst other useful things.) I understand that originally cell fusion was indeed controversial at the time—not because a bunch of priests and politicians and journos got their knickers in a twist about it, but because the development of the technique gave rise to a rather more interesting debate about the scientific meaning of the genetics of the fused cells.

I’m well aware that even scientists don’t treat human embryonic material like just another laboratory cocktail ingredient, but much of the antis’ rhetoric reads as though the very idea of combining biological material from different species is unlike anything that has ever been done before. It isn’t. Never mind cell fusion, the word “chimera” doesn’t just mean a monster from Greek mythology, we’ve been creating them in labs for years. “God” has been doing cell fusion and making chimeras for rather longer. There’s a chance your cat is a chimera. Your wife might be one. Being forced by our inclusive, balanced media to listen to reactionary, superstitious, old windbags bloviating about the artificial mixing of embryonic tissue from different species as though it represented some completely unprecedented phenomenon makes me yearn for the supposedly more religious and conservative past that they can’t be bothered to look up.

Jonathan Derbyshire

I’ve converted the archives of Jonathan Derbyshire’s old Typepad blog and built a new WordPress site for him at jonathanderbyshire.com. Update your bookmarks and blogrolls accordingly. (You can email him at that new domain as well.)

Thamesmead, Riverside School, 76–78

For a long time, PooterGeek’s homepage has been decorated with a school photo of me shot in, I think, 1979. I’ve taken the sensible advice of one of my readers and moved it. It’s still here, but on the “About” page where it doesn’t unbalance the new site design.

The original print from which the image is scanned is in focus, well lit, and correctly exposed. It’s also rubbish, in that it tells you very little about the little person in it at the time it was taken. It’s a straightforward and accurate record of my surface appearance back then, but otherwise it’s the kind of photographic portrait I try to avoid taking, even at formal occasions.

Via the frontpage of the Website of the Guardian [which I have resolved to stop linking to, following its publication yesterday of an opinion piece from Hamas], I found this Flickr collection of scanned images taken at around the same time at a comprehensive in London by a science teacher there. They aren’t rubbish. Many of them are superb.

A teacher at a comprehensive school in England and Wales almost certainly couldn’t take similar photos today. I’m even wondering how long it’ll be before the police are around to raid the photographer’s place and rummage through his negatives for anything “inappropriate”. The weekend before last, I phoned up the organisers of the Brighton Festival Children’s Parade to ask if I could bring along my camera, pointing the woman on the other end of the phone at my Website and telling her I had a CRB certificate. She said that it would be fine—it was a public event after all—but I should make sure that none of the children in my photographs could be recognized from them. I stayed at home.

Busted By Aunty Beeb’s Licence Nazis

Stephen Pollard (under the title “Is the BBC out of control?”) and the Centre Right Blog at Conservative Home (under the title “Big Brother Corporation“) embed video of the recent, and undoubtedly threatening, ad warning unlicensed TV viewers of the completeness of the TV licensing authority’s database of UK addresses. In SP’s comments, Nicholas writes:

Yep, it’s sinister and repulsive. The actress doing the voiceover should feel absolutely ashamed of herself for participating in this video nasty. The fact that there are people in positions of decision making authority who increasingly think that this kind of threat advertising is acceptable is even more sinister. They have flexed their authoritarian muscles and feeling no resistance will flex them more.

At least at the end there is just a knock on the door and not the full-on smash-the-door-down SWAT team assault which seems to be the norm these days.

I’ve not owned a television for about ten years, during which I’ve lived at at least four different locations. I know what that “knock on the door” leads to. At the risk of frightening the citizens of Airstrip One still further, I shall relate the consequences of not having a TV licence while living under ZaNuLab’s jackboot:

PERSON WITH CLIPBOARD AT DOOR: [Knock knockity-knock]

POOTERGEEK: [opening door, thereby displacing inch-deep drift of unopened warning letters from the TV Licensing Authority addressed hopefully to "The Occupier"] Hello.

PERSON WITH CLIPBOARD AT DOOR: Hello, Ms Kreutzenberger. Do you live in Flat B?

POOTERGEEK: I do, but I’m not Ms Kreutzenberger. She died two years ago in a horrible gardening accident. How can I help you?

PERSON WITH CLIPBOARD AT DOOR: According to our records, there is no television licence at this address.

POOTERGEEK: Yes, that’s because there’s no television at this address.

PERSON WITH CLIPBOARD AT DOOR: Would it be possible for us to have a look around inside?

POOTERGEEK: Yeah, if you don’t mind the mess.

PERSON WITH CLIPBOARD AT DOOR: [not entering] Oh, that’s alright.

POOTERGEEK: Huh?

PERSON WITH CLIPBOARD AT DOOR: People who have a television don’t usually invite us in.

POOTERGEEK: Oh.

[PAUSE]

POOTERGEEK: Does this mean you’re going to stop sending me letters threatening to imprison me if I don’t buy a TV licence?

PERSON WITH CLIPBOARD AT DOOR: Well, if you write to this address explaining your situation, yes.

POOTERGEEK: Why should I have to write to you to stop getting junk mail?

PERSON WITH CLIPBOARD AT DOOR: Well, er, that’s how it works.

POOTERGEEK: Hmm.

PERSON WITH CLIPBOARD AT DOOR: Thank you.

POOTERGEEK: Er, yeah. Thanks.

[POOTERGEEK closes door and retrieves partially inflated woman from wardrobe.]

More Shiny Things

While I’m tinkering with multimedia, I’m simply going to steal this from wongaBlog.

Cinco De Mayo Carnival from Andrew Curtis on Vimeo.