They start an international football competition looking horribly over-rated. They lead by a goal from one impressive long shot in the first half, but are made to seem pedestrian in the second as they do their best to defend the slim advantage. Some of their passing is shockingly inaccurate. At least one of their star players is short of match fitness and has to be substituted. Yes, it’s Brazil. And, if you didn’t read the Motley Fool before the game started, you missed your chance to play…

Brazil Commentary Bingo!

“It doesn’t really feel like a World Cup has started until Brazil play” – 5 points.

Camera close-ups of foxy female Brazilian laydeez before the game starts – 5 points.

“What Pele called the beautiful game” – 10 points

Camera shot of Pele in the posh seats with some corporate freeloader or other – 10 points

“Samba skills” – 10 points

Any other reference to samba – 3 points

Reference to the Copacabana – 3 points

“That wasn’t in the script” (if Brazil aren’t 4-0 up by half-time)

“Does Ronaldo look fully fit?” – 5 points

“The champions elect” – 3 points

Commentator creaming themselves over piece of mundane skill that all teams in the tournament can muster, and saying “It’s the Brazilian way” – 5 points.

“He never does that for Arsenal” – 50 points

“The Arsenal midfielder” – 1 point (seeing as he’s the only Brazilian in the Premiership)

“1966” – 1 point

“David Beckham style free kick” – 3 points

“Ronaldinho – he can turn a game in a moment” – 3 points

Any reference to South American teams not winning in Europe – 3 points

“Brazil the team of…Socrates etc etc” followed by a long list of past greats – 3 points

“Roberto Carlos – a disappointing kick from the veteran Brazilian” – 1 point

“Well who could have forecast that?” when Brazil go one-nil down – 10 points

“That’s blown this tournament wide open” – when Brazil stay one-nil down – 10 points

“How many goals in a Brazilian, Motty?” – one point for Lawro asking, 10 bonus points if Motty tries to answer

Mention of 1970 team in hushed tones as the greatest team of all time- 5 points

Mention of 1982 team as greatest never to win the tournament- 10 points

Commentator saying “So he is human after all!” after Ronaldinho does something pants despite the fact he hasn’t done anything that great before then- 10 points

Roberto Carlos taking a fifteen yard run-up and blasting the ball into row W from a free-kick 40 yards out. Repeatedly – 10 points.

Cafu getting arrested in the middle of the first half for faking his Italian passport – 1,000,000 points.

Despite my cynicism Brazil actually being pretty damn good – 0 points.

“Learned his football on the streets of ……” (enter Sao Paulo, Rio de Janeiro etc as applicable.) – 5 points

“I wouldn’t want to be in that wall” (just before a Roberto Carlos freekick) – 5 points.

“I wouldn’t want to be sat in the back row behind the goal” (just after a Roberto Carlos freekick) – 15 points.

“The champagne corks will be popping in the streets of Zagreb tonight” – 50 points