Four-Wheel Driven

If the worst came to the worst, you would, of course, stamp on the head of that annoyingly talented and inquisitive Pakistani girl who helps her mother out in the local corner shop, but luckily you don’t have to resort to direct violence to keep the little oik out of those places at Oxbridge you have earmarked for Olivia and Ben—because your parents and your husband are pretty well-off.

Sadly, they aren’t sufficiently rich to support a completely private education for your angels; and, although everyone says your children are bright, they aren’t quite bright enough to get that full scholarship. We at Mitsibushi understand this. It is with your family’s relative affluence and your children’s special needs in mind that we have designed the Mitsubishi MotherFucker.

Three storeys high with a 47-litre fuel-injected diesel engine, the MoFo is the all-terrain vehicle that carries its own terrain on the school run. Simply drive the MoFo into the catchment area of a good city academy and put Olivia and Ben’s names down on the waiting list. Why bother renting a room in a property near the school when the MoFo is bigger than most of the properties anyway? And you can park it anywhere you like.

The MoFo’s driving position is so elevated that only office workers in high-rise blocks can see you. In the past, when your thoughtless driving caused serious injury, you probably felt obliged at least to make a fake-apology wave out of the driver’s side window in the vague direction of the spasming victim. The MoFo renders even that gesture completely superfluous.

The MoFo comes complete with its own oil refinery, saving you the challenge of aligning your vehicle so that it prevents others from using two pumps at the garage while you loiter in the forecourt shop, browsing Harper’s.

The MoFo’s as-standard handsfree kit allows you to release the steering wheel completely, so that you can hold your mobile to talk to your husband in Frankfurt and pluck your eyebrows simultaneously, while this state-of-the-art vehicle negotiates complex roundabouts on its own—by simply crushing them under its tracks.

And if it’s big enough to skip over that mound of municipal greenery, you can be sure speed bumps are as pimples beneath the monstertruck wheels of Mitsubishi’s latest. Drive as fast as you like through traffic calming—and even accelerate past speed cameras. The MoFo’s side-mounted chainsaws deploy instantly in response to GPS signals, slicing through the uprights of gatsos—and (for you celebrity yummy mummies) the legs of paparazzi—with aplomb.

The MoFo Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry.

Not that you were going to.


  1. Posted 21Dec04 at 18:05 | Permalink

    As it happens, I drive a 4×4, simply because my brother-in-law-to-be, who is a mechanic, came into possession of one and offered to swap it for my inferior and non-roadworthy car. But I couldn’t agree with you more about the school run. I would vote for any party that proposed steep tolls on the roads surrounding schools between 8:15 and 9:00.

    In my experience, the really bad drivers are in BMWs, Audis, and [spit] Passats. I’ve never got much trouble from the drivers of 4x4s (even before I was one myself), but I can guarantee that a BMW or Audi driver will try to kill me at least once a day. The demographics might well be different over here, though: so much of the province is rural that a lot of people own 4x4s for genuine reasons of practicality, rather than because it makes them feel omnipotent while driving Tarquin to school.

    Much to my surprise, my brother-in-law-to-be informs me that my Suzuki Vitara is more fuel-efficient than a VW Golf. VW pay him lots of money to fix their cars, so I assume he knows what he’s talking about.

  2. Posted 21Dec04 at 21:11 | Permalink


    Brilliant. (And not as exaggerated as one could wish. The house-size cars that roar around the place with the driver chatting away on the mobile [the cell phone, as we call them here] and simply not noticing little details like pedestrians and stop signs…they’re no figment of the imagination.)

  3. Ian
    Posted 22Dec04 at 11:06 | Permalink

    I was wondering if Squander Two drives a Land Rover as a result of his swap.

    A few years ago I had the misfortune of being involved in an accident with one, it was my fault, a combination of late braking and wet surface caused my little hatchback to go skidding into the rear casuing a slight scratch to its bumper.

    After checking the occupants, the driver was fine as she seemed quite concerned with the scratch, I surveyed the better part of the front of my car strewn over the road, the complete disintegration of one headlight and a bonnet (hood) scrunched halfway up to the windscreen, all this from less than 10mph impact.

    It was then that I realised, particularly because my victim insisted on pointing out the miniscule scratch I had caused on it, the actual position of the Land Rover rear bumper, being a good few inches above my bumper and approximately level with my windscreen wipers, which if had been going about 5 mph faster, it would had ended up in contact with.

    After a brief survey of 4x4s, I found that Land Rovers are the only vehicle with this anomoly of a solid rear bumper some distance above everyone elses, even transit vans and the most nastiest of cars, the RAV 4, have a bumper in the correct position.

    I haven’t seen the latest Land Rovers, I can only hope they have corrected this minor design flaw, after all they did come to their senses when they started removing the front bumper they’d meticulously designed to ram the heads of a five year old child used a solid steel bar and 2 tons of momentum behind it (that’s the only explaination I could come up with).

    So, if your future brother-in-law has burdened you with a Land Rover I can only assume it is probably to generate more for his mechanic business interests as you will agree when you next feel the discerning bump of another insect hatchback lightly scratch your behind and watch his body panel parts fly past.

  4. Posted 22Dec04 at 13:04 | Permalink


    Did you not read the bit where I wrote “Suzuki Vitara”, then?

    If it’s any consolation, Land Rovers are appalling at protecting their occupants in a serious crash. They’re actually far too solid, which makes them rather brittle. Instead of distributing the force of a crash through their own body, they divert it through their driver’s. The fact that your hatchback’s front end was destroyed is what made you safer.

    Since reading this post yesterday, I’ve been looking at the various 4x4s on the road, and have noticed that mine is pretty small: although it’s a few inches taller, its footprint is no bigger than an average car’s. Some of the things out there are just monstrous.

  5. Ian
    Posted 22Dec04 at 14:09 | Permalink

    Apologies, I assumed the “inferior and non-roadworthy car” you were referring to was in fact the Vitara, its an unfortunate knee-jerk reaction I have to japanese cars.

  6. Posted 22Dec04 at 15:53 | Permalink

    No, the inferior and non-roadworthy car is a rather nice Mondeo. It’s literally non-roadworthy because it needs a new clutch, new springs, and various other things done to it. Once it’s done up, it’ll actually be rather nice.

  7. Leasey
    Posted 22Dec04 at 18:42 | Permalink

    Damian, I apologise for all past criticisms of your spelling and grammar. The link for yummy mummies has 4 mistakes I could see. Attrative – hello where is the “c”?
    Usally usually has two “u’s” n’est pas?
    No space after “Oprah,”…. and finally childern???? Childern??? I’m sorry I’ve had a very scary driving experience today and not in a good mood.

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